Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
