i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
