i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
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