The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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