Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
