She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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