I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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