Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
