"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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