What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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