My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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