Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
