i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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