my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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