He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
