tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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