The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
