Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
