I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
