I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
