Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
