Ambien. No doubt about it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
