shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
