I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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