Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
