dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
