I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
