It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
