Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
