fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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