i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize