I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
