i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
