Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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