there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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