she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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