Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
