I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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