just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You have to summon your inner elephant
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
