dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
