I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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