i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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