I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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