we're chasing vodka with high fives
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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