According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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