It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I want a musical about memes.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
