i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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