I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
