I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
