He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize