spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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