Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
