I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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